"It seems that bad advice that's fun will always be better known than than good advice that's dull-no matter how useless that fun advice is."

"We ought not be over anxious to encourage innovation, in case of doubtful improvement, for an old system must ever have two advantages over a new one; it is established and it is understood."

"It is not the position, but the disposition."

"When two dogs fight for a bone, and the third runs off with it, there's a lawyer among the dogs."

"Immature poets imitate; mature poets steal."

"I was brought up by very witty people who were dealing with quite difficult things - disease and death... I was brought up by people who tended to giggle at funerals."

"Do not insult the mother alligator until after you have crossed the river."

"I love children - especially when they cry, for then someone takes them away."

"If you realize too acutely how valuable time is, you are too paralyzed to do anything."

"[Drink] provokes the desire, but it takes away the performance."

"UXORIOUSNESS, n. A perverted affection that has strayed to one's own wife."

"Canada is a country whose main exports are hockey players and cold fronts. Our main imports are baseball players and acid rain."